I am having a really difficult time with getting my mind comfortable with the concepts of life and death. We went to the funeral of my husband's aunt, who was 88 and had a wonderful, colorful and very useful life. She had some of the worst things imaginable happen directly to her, but she left a very competent, and lovely daughter who is a credit to her in every respect, and she has three of the greatest grandkids you could imagine, one noteworthy accomplishment after another, and nice kids besides.
And Aunt Theresa, herself, was vibrant, adorable, and a very helpful friend to many people. So her death means she is just over. But I can't see that. We all think of her and refer to her all the time, and will always continue to do so. So everyone is crying when they say goodby. Why? Because they are going to miss seeing her in the flesh, when she is full of aches and confusion?
Of course, all I could think of is my mom, and how this birthday is most probably her last, and Mother's Day was probably her last. And I won't have a mother next mother's day. But she is so tired and uncomfortable, and bringing such confusion and pain to my dad. And every time I see her invaded and assaulted form, I want to cry because I remember that she was so beautiful. She was not so great on giving advice and stepping up to bring aid to those in need, but she did the best job she could of being the daughter and the sister and the wife and the mother, and the grandmother. And when she is gone, I will blubber like a baby, even though I know it is time for her to rest and have peace and quiet and not have to worry about going to the bathroom anymore.
I am totally comfortable now with the idea that we have to let her go. Two years ago that was what she wanted, and maybe we should not have put her through the last few years. And I admit it was totally selfish. But still I cannot imagine going over to their place and her not being there. And I feel bad that when I tell her stuff she has to do, and how it has to be, she is a little pissed off at me, and looks at me like she knows she just has to take it. And isn't it a fine how do you do that now she can't throw a lamp at me if I mouth off or defy her. And it is me sending her to her room.
I am really mixed up but I don't have to stop and try to figure it out, something which I always did ad nauseum. I am finally able to just do it and move forward. So many times in my life I should have done that for such a lot of really stupid occasions, and, now I can, and, man, this is making me so sad.