Confessions of an Unsuccessful Author

I am bitter. Yes. I admit it. But the truth is I just can't compete.

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WTF and Other Stuff

Well, I will get to what I was going to post about in a few paragraphs, so just hold on, okay?

 I have been feeling so depressed and absolutely listless about life and writing in particular.  I make myself do two or three productive things every day.  I have myself trained very well.  Sometimes one of the productive things is even writing.  That is writing on the WIP, a thing I am so very reluctant to do because I do not want to release it from the confines of its "slave home"--my mind.  (That is not a politically incorrect remark, by the by.  It is a  reference to something my husband screamed out in his sleep the third week we were married.  My life is surreal.)

So, today I was doing some "research" which is really being nosy about how some other "authors" that are highly touted are really doing.  And I was becoming a bit incensed to find my suspiciaons were justified (which I will get to.) so I decided to blog.  I have not written here in a long time and my stats show it.  Plus, Thursday I was mugged on Twitter and it was a very painful and drawn out thing to recover from.  Anyway...

I open up this blog, (Oh, Blog, how I love thee.) and I had 160 hits yesterday and forty views of Outside Plumbing.  I want so badly to know WHY.  Aside from the mugging, which may be related, as it brought 600+  spams to my Twitter inbox, I did nothing.  This happens all the time.  I pine in my room, playing solitaire, forcing myself to put the clothes in the dryer, wondering if I should take up crochet again and then there is one of these whammies. Well, to you, not much of a whammie, but to me quite a whammie. 

So I have gone from slightly anxious about the armed felon still on the loose in the neighborhood and the bringing home of the Mercury about which I have extremely mixed feelings, to being high as a kite and needing the opposite from the drug locker from what I originally planned.  I have myself trained very well.

Anyway.  There is this "happy" person who goes on and on about how happy (This Person) is and how (TP) wants to bring happiness to everyone and everyone should be happy because, just look, it is so easy for (TP) to be happy.  This Person is "an international best selling" author.  This Person has all this advice and runs all these societies to help the struggling author to reach the happy pinnacle of success (TP) has reached.  So I read the reviews.  Books selling at about the same ranking as mine.  (Currently not good, by the by) One star reviews galore. Weep-inducing.  I've had one or two.   Author page covered with blurbs and praises and the one star reviews saying what a waste of money the book was.  And here is the deal.  I could do this.  If I had the backing, which I know This Person has (financially).  I cannot relate how I know that This Person has backing cuz I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings.  I just want to rant and rave and attack from a position of anonymity.  So to speak. (And the display of background wealth is pictorially obvious.)  I could have that amount of good reviews (which there are) and these nifty covers and these blurbs and be all over the web touting my wonderfulness because someone else was putting the clothes in the dryer for me.  And paying a cover designer and a PR agent.

But, I do not even know why I have to spout. Pitiful weak ego image I must have.  Percentage-wise, my ranking holds up to this person's, and my review percentages hold up in comparison, and I did it with no money, which was my cast in stone rule when I started this.  So I guess I am just here to pat myself on the back and the numbers from my stats yesterday make it not even hurt so bad when I reach my arthritic old arm back there to do the patting.  The self-patting.

Multi-layered Irony

First of all:  attribution.

This is a Getty Image which I snipped off the Cracked.com site, a site so well known for its above-normal standards I am certain the borrowing of it is totally okay.

This photo, although meant to be whimsical in its nature, is delightful and amusing in both appearance and context.  It is from an article dealing with the myths of society's view of women in the  Middle Ages on Cracked.com, a web site that pretty much deals in irony full-time.  The article about the Smurfs to which I wrote a history making aside, is by far one of today's finer pieces of contemporary literature. 

I love that her trophy is larger.  I love her gloating grin.  I love his wry look of acceptance.  This is a photo of a man that knows on which side his bread is buttered.

To dwell on the cultural, perhaps anthropological sub-text, please note that her trophy, besides being placed at the apex of a way more huge than necessary framework, is pointing upward, actually, let me say, boldly thrusting upward.  In bitter contrast we see that his tiny "loving cup" is a small and seemingly empty vessel, patiently and perhaps hopefully, waiting to be filled. And her trophy is held up and away from her body in an exhibitionist manner, a display of glory.  His tiny prize is held close to and in the center of his body.  Of course we none of us are going to grab this photo and run to our male partners and yell, "See!  I told you I was stronger, greater, better, etc."  But it is fun to see a common theme so quaintly and perfectly illustrated.  I would have to label it "food for thought".

And. of course, I am going to take this opportunity to mention that I wrote an acerbic, cute little treatise on this very subject which is enjoyable and illuminating.  Why not have a look at it?  I can assure you it will change your life.

http://www.amazon.com/dp/B0098R9HPK


Free to borrow with no due dates, but I am not sure if you have to be in Amazon Prime to do that.

Thanks for stopping by my blog! 

READING

First let me announce the production of an entirely new novel, way off the beaten path from the frivolous but fun stuff I write. The YA (young adult)  (lots of sex, but implied) market is so hot right now, especially if it is paranormal  so I have decided to whore out my abilities.

In this book the main character is a young girl about sixteen years old.  Since she "became a woman" at age thirteen she has noticed she has strange powers.  She can levitate small objects by thinking at them.  Every day she finds she can levitate bigger and bigger objects.  Her husband/boyfriend will never need Viagra.

Then she falls in love and her love interest is aware of her powers and she fears that is the only reason he is consorting with her, but he is nice and she likes him.  Then, with his prescient power, one of many, he realizes that their kingdom will be invaded by a group of human-like creatures with a name I haven't made up yet.  Then they begin to find others with  super, "paranormal" if you will, powers and they all band together to defeat the enemy and live happily ever after except for the things that will happen in book two and book three.

Just kidding here.  That is the plot of 84% of all "YA" novels and I sure don't need to write another one.

Secondly, I am not a very popular writer.  According to recent graphs posted on Amazon, I am 672,000 in rank in one category and 34,000 in another.  I get some nice reviews, more nice than bad, but I get some bad ones too. I have actually made money on this project.  Actually it is always a surprise when money is posted to my account because I seem to be completely unable to understand the charts and reports offered for my perusal. And I read the reviews, and I am getting better about not crying over them if they are cruel.  BUT.  I read one that very kindly gave me a two star review.  The things she said, I think she should have given me a minus five, but that's just me.  The review was interesting but I got the distinct impression she was having trouble following the story.  One girl, two guys.  What is complicated about that?  Anyway, it is kind of long, but  most every one, even the haters, have to struggle through to the end to see who gets shot first.  Which I consider sort of a compliment.  BUT one thing she said puzzles me endlessly.  She said, "At one point it seemed like the narrator was telling the story." As opposed to what?  Waiting in the car?

I know  there is a big deal about "showing" rather than telling.  "Showing" is big with MFAs.  Many popular authors say "Hogwash.  I am here to tell a story." I tell.  But you see every thing that is going on so I guess my telling shows stuff.  My work is very visual. My brother said about one, "It is a chick flick."  I also classify that one as positive.

Well there was a third thing, but my anxiety ridden mind has lost that thread.  You were getting sleepy anyway.  Maybe I will catch up with you later.

Oh, no.  Wait up a sec.  I remembered it.  I received  a comment on Outside Plumbing.  He very kindly offered hints on how to get your outdoor faucets ready for the frosts of winter.  I thought that was adorable.  I am also pretty sure he didn't read Outside Plumbing.

Huge HUGE thanks to all of you that have stopped by during 2012.  I am amazed and grateful.  Being inordinately cynical, I can't help but wish those blog hits were cash sales of the books, but I appreciate you stopping by.

Y'all come back, now.  Real soon.

Ilustration from http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/ComicBook/X-Men

New Perspective for the New Year

I know it is too late for some of you, but if you might like to try salvaging the remnants of your relationship or try to improve one that seems to be going great, have a look at Outside Plumbing;  the Myths Manhood    It will put your opinion of the male animal in a whole new pleasant light, even if it is yourself.

It is FREE to download to your Kindle or Kindle app  through tomorrow, 1/1/13.

http://www.amazon.com/dp/B0098R9HPK

Positive review

Review by: BOB MC DANIEL on Oct. 09, 2012 : (no rating) 

A great read!!
Comments, opinions and advice we can all relate to.
As you read through it you can here the Men saying "Never.
and, Not me." While all of the ladies are screaming "Oh my God, YES!!!"
MS. Llorca reminds me a bit of Gail Collins with a dash of possibly Joan Rivers thrown in. No matter who you are, you'll read and accept as gospel. I'd recommend it to one and all

(reviewed within a month of purchase)



http://www.smashwords.com/books/view/233639
http://www.amazon.com/dp/B0098R9HPK

Thank You!!

Confidence

I am afraid this post may be premature as it ties in with my latest release, OUTSIDE PLUMBING, which has only been out a few days, but it is too much with me and I have to write it now.

This is a picture that I first saw on Pinterest.  I am obsessed with it, partly because I wore that kilt as a skirt throughout my college years and actually some years after until it became horribly de trop.  I wore it so much I had to take it to a cobbler and have new leather straps put on it.  It wasn't an actual kilt but an imitative fashion item and had crummy straps on it from the manufacturer.  But it looked exactly like these.  I think that is tartan Campbell. It may be in the cedar chest as I loved it too much to ever part with it.

I recently published a non-fiction book called Outside Plumbing; the Myths of Manhood.  In it I wryly discuss at length, with anecdotal support, my theory that men have an innate vulnerability that females can never understand.  Because their sexual equipment is so exterior, they are always aware, even if subconsciously, of the need to protect it.  It is the necessary equipment to propagate the Human Race, a genetic imperative.  It must remain intact and healthy.   I actually discussed the kilt and the sporran in the book.

In this picture the guy to our left has the sporran hanging slightly to the side.  It is usually worn front and center.  Historically, like the codpiece, it was originally for protective purposes but evolved into a decorative and utilitarian object.  This guy could give less than  damn about protecting his genitalia. He is clearly announcing his utter confidence in his manhood.  Also, his arms are extended from his body to take advantage of the heat.  His chin is raised and his shoulders are slightly held back.  He is in an utterly non-defensive, vulnerable posture. Further, the actual flames, as photographed, are heading straight for his basic male superstructure. OMG.   

(I so wanted to say the flames are licking at him, but I felt that might be putting too fine a point on it.)

This guy is the hunk of all time as far as I am concerned and he exhibits confidence and maleness at every conceivable level.  I drool.

The guy to our right looks like he may be the brother.  Doesn't matter.  His muscles are actually more finely cut than the other guy's.  But his shoulders and upper body are leaning ever so slightly forward, his chin tilted slightly down and his hands are crossed in from of him in what I call the normal protective manner which any man seems to exhibit whenever he feels the least self-conscious.

Not that I wouldn't bid on either of them at a charity auction.  They are both gorgeous.  And one may well not be more self-confident than the other.  It is just that this photo illustrates so very clearly what I consider the males' relationship with his most basic manhood.

If I were 31 years old and knew what I know now and looked like I did then, I would be on the very next  plane to Scotland.


(I have unsuccessfully tried to source the photo).

Wonderful Review

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  Roy M. York

  I recommend Virginia Llorca's new book, "Outside Plumbing". A woman's unpretentious view of us males. Women will enjoy it, men will cringe and even try to argue with her unsupported anecdotal claims. I could, but I won't, because I can't write with the same unvarnished honesty found in her words. Her uncannily accurate skewering of the male species is fairly on the money.
  
  As a writer, I am in awe of her ability to pretty much lay it on the line, something I am unable to do. She leaves bodies scattered in her wake as she careens along the ocean of life with her hydroplane wit, some of whom will recognize themselves in the thinly disguised veil of anonymity in which she wraps them.
  
  Having just finished the book, I intend to wait a few days before I go back and try to find myself in there. But for now, I've got some dishes to do and plan for tonight's dinner, then there are beds to make, floors to mop, you get the idea. Read the book. I know for sure it's available on www.Smashwords.com. You'll be glad you did.

  
  

  

  
  

  
  

  (Also on Amazon for Kindle)

  
  

FREEBIE

I posted about the Outside Plumbing FREEBIE in several places with an incomplete link.  I am very sorry.  I wish I could say this is so unlike me, but I should know better and triple check everything.

OUTSIDE PLUMBING; The Myths of Manhood is free only on Smashwords through October 3, 2012. Smashwords will download to any ereader or app, including Kindle.  Adobe Digital Editions which is free is lovely for your PC.

http://www.smashwords.com/books/view/233639

I promise to test this one.

Y'know?

This is all a little confusing.  I hate promo, and when I am doing it, I am doing it on a surface level.  It produces meager results, but it produces results so I have to keep doing it until the right person reads the right words. Then I am home-free, money in the bank, genius acknowledged.  Well, no.  Probably not.  But what I was saying about doing it on a surface level--

There are many helpful sites.  There was one on Goodreads that had a list of places to post your freebie promotion.  These are very helpful.  I use more each time, and the downloads of my freebies are phenomenal, thousands, actually.  If one percent of those bought the thing or even read it, it would be sweet.  But anyway--

I get mixed up about which sites said which thing, and I do not have the mental ability to keep track of it.  I have notebooks full of web addresses and where my last chapter ended and I will post a whole promo and realize, thank God usually before hitting PUBLISH, that I have used the wrong book.  It is one of the others that is on freebie this time.  Seriously.  I have done that.  I try to watch it and supervise myself, but I guess I am just not that vested. It may be age related, but it is certainly, let me assure you from the lofty viewpoint of my aging reputation,  not an IQ problem.

I think it is mostly Linked-In, a site of spurious reputation.  It seems to generate lots of hits and downloads, but it is always full of people offering their editing services and someone from a distant Nation offering conversion services which is a laugh and a half.  If I can do it, and I have done it beautifully, anyone can.  But maybe they buy those conversion services because they are not that vested in their projects. But the site to which I give  vague and unreliable reference constantly has people mouthing off about editing.  How you are just plain stupid if you do not at least invest the money in a good editing service.  (What money?)  I retort constantly about the complete superfluity of conversion services,and I retort frequently about the unnecessary expense of purchasing editor services.  Most of us have no way to discern the reliability of such services, and I kind of think if we did have that ability, or that much familiarity with the process, we would not be sitting in our dining rooms at our PCs uploading our "work" all by ourselves.  Maybe that is just me.

I was used as an editor in an unofficial capacity at Contemporary books some years ago.  To explain that, I was given unedited manuscripts and expected to return printer ready galleys with all the errors edited out and corrected. This was only after I had worked there for a number of years and proved my abilities.( By the way, I would only want a proofread from anyone.  I don't want my peculiar style edited away.)

But today I followed a link to a site that had an excerpt from a book about the Iraq War.  It was labeled humorous, a biting satire.  No.  The excerpt was not humorous.  It was a dead on narration of the way things are.  There were problems I had with the story.  The person who printed the excerpt on this blog was an editor at Grove Atlantic.  He did admit this was his first project (or, at least, his first in that capacity at that company) and he was infatuated with it, (his included remarks about the moral or practical elements of that war being waged  may have influenced his attitude,)  but he mentioned, when expounding about the work, several times, military officials sitting in the safety of the FOB and making decisions and giving commentary about the actual battle front of which they had very biased views.  FOBs are most definitely NOT havens of safety.  They are shelled all the time.  They are targets.  Big targets. So that was wrong.  Then I read the excerpt which was well written and a powerful narrative.  But he would use a phrase and you couldn't get whether he had the reference wrong or if he was being facetious.  I read a lot.  I get irony, sarcasm, jokes, etc.  Seriously.  I get it. I can even write it.  I guess you have to take my word for that cuz you haven't read any of my work yet, have you?  And this guy's attempts at acerbicness (acerbicity?) (being acerbic!) or wryness (being wry) or direct humor fell short a few times, just in the excerpt.

THEN, one of my bigger concerns because I deal greatly with dialogue, some say successfully, but there again you will have to take my word--there was a paragraph with quotes from two different people in the same paragraph.  Does that seem like nit-picking to you?  It wouldn't if someone had said to you that they had trouble figuring out who was speaking at the time.  (I don't go for that "he said" "she replied" "he retorted" stuff, probably to a fault.)  My grand daughter, darling though she is, has no interest in writing so much as a grocery list, but is able to quote that rule to me.  A new paragraph for each speaker, even if it is only a one word quote. Crap. That's hitting the return key once.  Now this was an excerpt that was presented for our viewing by the guy who edited it for Christ's sake.  This, to me, is up there with the typo in the New Yorker cartoon (yeah, I saw that) and the typo in the two page, glossy, perfume ad spread in Vogue Magazine.  Yeah.  That was real.

I just don't like the pot calling the kettle black, so to speak.  Getting an MFA in fine arts, or writing, or literature, or what ever they label it, does not indicate anything but some writing on a fancy piece of paper for which you paid great sums of money.  More to be said for epublishing.  That editor is the one that would be selecting your offering from the bunch of offerings presented to him by the agent that won't even reply to your query.

Outside Plumbing

 Are you in a relationship?  Having some rough spots?  Doesn't everyone?  Wish someone could make it all better?  Sometimes it is so hard to understand what is going on with your partner.

Outside Plumbing:  the Myths of Manhood is my first non-fiction book. It is a light-hearted look at what it is that makes a guy a guy. I promise it will give you a new perspective.  Fun with more than a grain of truth.

Available at Smashwords and Amazon.  You can download to any reader at Smashwords. 

This book is non-fiction,  tongue-in-cheek, anecdotal, easy to read, short, but contains more than a kernel of truth.  

The males weigh in: 

"You manage to discuss it without sounding bitchy."

"My wife came into the room to find out what I was laughing at.  I made her read it."

"Skewered."

"On the money:

http://www.smashwords.com/books/view/233639

http://www.amazon.com/dp/B0098R9HPK

http://www.dittymac.blogspot.com