Tuesday, October 11, 2011


Confession:  This is something I do not keep secret.  Sometimes I am guilty of using it as an excuse, or even as a reason.  This is not  nice, but I forgive myself for lots of stuff.  I take enough crap from enough people to balance out my few sins.  God said He is cool with that and the thing that I do not keep secret and use as an excuse is a gift from Him, so we have a comfy little circle going.  I am bipolar.  I am mid spectrum and don't lose it very often now that I am pretty well and correctly medicated.  I was diagnosed when I was about 32.  It was during an awful period of upheaval in my life, so I have always taken the diagnosis with a grain of salt since it seems it is apparently only a problem when I am pushed to the edge by stress or some other straining effect.  (Not that I don't have to deal with ups and downs, sometimes to an absurd extent, but doesn't everyone?  ) Plus every one in my family is a little out there, so it's not like I'm an exception or anything. And none of them are the type of people that even notice your peculiarities much less cut you any slack.

So.  I am feeling all warm and fuzzy because some of my writings got a bit of really nice feedback.You guys have to be careful with that stuff because the slightest word of encouragement can drive two novels out of my brain on to this little plastic screen and often off to various parts of the world in various electronic forms. None the less, a little validation is nice every now and then.  And, frankly, when  you live in a home where  everything you do is automatically considered 'wrong' by certain people, just because you did it,  it is particularly nice to hear compliments.

Then.  Let me back up a little.  I recently, so recently that the scab has not yet fallen from the wound, ended a very long relationship with my closest friend.  I ended it not because she criticized or disagreed with some of my thoughts.  (How boring is it to have a conversation with someone who totally agrees with everything you think or say?)  I ended it because she used some very hurtful words and chose to broadcast it over the net to everyone in my mailbox and God only knows who else, and, further, enlisted some of her family members to join her army on the battlefield to wage the war against me.  

Then a dear, greatly loved family member jumped all over me because of something I said, and have said repeatedly about my relationship with the Supreme Being.  (Add personality of your choice to define that according to your personal tastes.) This person did it kindly,and privately,but I cautioned him that I had to hold my beliefs in a way I found comfortable and that because I loved and admired him so very much, it would be better if we didn't have discussions on that topic.  We dance around it occasionally, but we honor the parameter that has been set.

So.  Yesterday, another family member got WTF all over my ass about something that they THOUGHT I did.  (Is it not clear to almost everyone who emails what that peculiar code is that ends message links that are spam?  I am so non-techy, and I can recognize it.  I get such things from a friend and a relative very often, and I ignore them.  They are mailbox viruses, and they will always be with us, much like the Salmonella bacterium.)   The fact is, that this is the third instance of what I consider "attack" that I have dealt with recently and I am fucking sick of it.  Just because someone does it through email does not make it any different to me than walking up to my front door and standing on my porch yelling at me.  And when it is done through error and the person who is so QUICK to attack cannot find a way to apologize or explain, I am fucking furious.  Today, I actually asked my husband to go through his SENT box to see if he had perhaps sent the offending email, and when he assured me it was not there nor in any of his mailboxes, I was, once again, reduced to tears over the matter. And, I don't do this shit.  And anyone who knows me, should KNOW that.  I do not think, if I am perhaps, but not likely, in a capricious mood, send or say truly nasty stuff to be cute or to hurt.  (Google:  hurt feelings).  I may forward one of those eCards that frequently fall short of good taste.  And, I remember, I did actually do that on this person's last birthday, so maybe this is payback.  But I do not go all postal on someone dear to me unless they literally ask me to (by my definition).  I DO go all postal on loved ones. Believe me. Or ask them.

But they earned it, let me assure you.  And this particular person and I had discussions previously on how we should not discuss Snopes or politics or certain other subjects because of our philosophical differences.  And that he implied I did it with deliberation?  Can't get my head around it.  Don't even want to.

I have enough real shit in my life to deal with.  I don't need people to manufacture crises for me. Don't  ever take it for granted  that someone "knows" you.  They don't.  They probably don't even know themselves. They know someone that they think is you and it may have NO bearing on who you are.   I am tired of being batted around and compelled to defend my self and my miserable little fiefdom.  Unless there is a reason for  it, like writing or saying naughty words for example.  Carefully label all your stones before you throw them at me.  Then at least I know why I am being hurt.

Yeah, I know.  More mixed metaphor.  Deal with it.

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