Am I a "victim" or a "control freak"? I am going to have to go back to talking to the psychologist and ask my shrink to up my meds. I slept last night and that is so wonderful.
I am overwhelmed, as usual. On the days when I don't have two or more commitments, and I am so looking forward to having some time for myself, I walk around the house, flitting from project to project, unable to focus or rest, and accomplishing little or nothing.
I am 61 and my husband is 67. He has a bunch of metal parts in his heart and I have a bunch of metal parts in my knees. We are faced with raising an 8 year old that is a complete bundle of problems. I cannot see laying on my death bed wondering if he has a clean pair of socks to wear to school tomorrow. I have mentioned to his mother that she needs to make arrangements to move back to this county and take care of her son. I realize that will probably not happen, and even if she provides a home for him, the care part is an unreasonable expectation.
Am I in this position because I have tried to keep my kids under my control and crippled them for ever being able to take care of themselves? Or am I using all these problems other people have to keep myself from living my own life and making decisions for my own welfare? Or is every one just taking advantage of poor muddled me? I know every time I have to come to a decision about my own health or welfare it takes months of rumination. I also am painfully aware that the decision making and organization part of my brain is untrained and ignored.
Beside making a concerted effort, sort of in the form of a resolution, to organize the material part of my existance, I am not improving my life or anyone else's by much lately.
I have been making an effort to make my grandson be more of a presence in his father's life and this seemed to be working out well. I had a lot of cooperation from his paternal aunt and grandparents. We had hoped that when Bill reached high school age he could live with his dad. Then, last week, the sheriff called to tell me that Billy's dad was in jail for a sex crime.
The sheriff misspoke about the type of crime it was, causing lots of fear and confusion. When that part was cleared up, and we realized it did not directly affect Billy, we all breathed a sigh of relief. Someone mentioned to Bill that his dad was in jail and I was able to give Bill a sort of simplified version of what happened that seemed to satisfy him and perhaps consoled him a bit. We are definitely consoled by the fact that is was not pedophilia as the sheriff first stated.
But the fact remains that Bill and his dad are undoubtedly NOT going to be doing much father son bonding in the future. So that tiny glimmer of hope for MY future has been extinguished and I am back to living somewhat reluctantly in the day to day.
I am feeling like the future would not seem so scary if I was able to count on some kind of plan being in place. I am always telling my kids and grandkids that they are responsible for themselves and their own welfare and well-being, and I guess all I can do is hold myself up as a bad example. Maybe I do not need to point the finger of blame at anyone for this mess. Maybe I just need to go to the laundry room and make sure the clean clothes are all put in the right drawers.