Tuesday, November 19, 2013

The Clueless Side of Marriage

Best bride foto ever!!!

I am going to try to move the posts from what I wanted to be another separate blog over here. I kind of can't get the mileage out of it that I had hoped for.   I will post them separately and try to put them in the right order.  If I copy them all into one post it will be quite long and I know some of you prefer the twitter-like postings.  I tend to go on and on, no matter what.  So there will be four or five repeats.  But I like them and want to share them with you.  I would appreciate your comments as, so far, my remarks have made some folks very unhappy.

You Probably Won't Tell Him; Chapter One

There are so many things that women know, either from experience or education, that men will never know.  In most cases, it would not matter if we revealed these things to them because they would not understand.  This is partly genetic, and partly because of the male to female language barrier, and surely, in some instances at least, directly attributable to the male art of selective hearing.
I am going to explore this phenomenon in this blog.  Some of the revelations will be personal, some conjecture, and some reader contribution.  I will not differentiate for you.  
Also share your arguments, should you disagree with my content.  Some of that will definitely be used for blog fodder. You can also do this in the captcha free comment area.
There is a confidential blog for women in which they are guaranteed anonymity.  The Secret Society of Women. You can read the most amazing stuff there. It has its usual share of arguments about cloth versus disposable diapers, global warming, what have you read lately, why I don’t want to have kids, what a cute thing Poopsie did to the back of my couch, etc.  Its many forums cover just about anything.  It regularly lists the porno sites that they feel, or their contributing readers feel, are the most female friendly.  The site, and others like it, (Google!!)   cover a wide variety of sexual orientation and taste. For the record, this particular blog I have named has been hacked twice, at least to my knowledge, and males have tried to pass off the most outrageous contributions and remarks as female.  They have also attacked, as male, some of the content.  This is just a note to remind you that, on the Internet, you probably should never assume you are sharing something that you don’t want attributed or associated with yourself.
It is amazing to me, even now, after many, many years of marriage, what a woman will not tell her husband.  Some of it, I am positive, is best left unsaid.  Some of it might be helpful to the general well-being of the actual marriage if it was shared.  Much of it, the guy involved, and I cannot speak for homogenous unions, although I am sure this applies in some respects,  does not care about and wishes you had never brought it  up at all. Sometimes you might hear, “Why didn’t you tell me that”, this usually at the marriage counselors, or “I wish you didn’t tell me that” this, I can only assume, while he stares in disbelief at your tear-stained face.
In each case the woman must make the decision on her own, and this is not an easy call.  Many times the woman is the share everything type of person and spouts lots of extraneous gobbledy gook that goes, for the most part,  ignored.  The husband in most cases learns when to tune out.  Maybe he will miss something important or useful, but that is the way the game is played.  Like it or leave the field. She also has to consider the husbands nature before she spews.  Maybe he is the laissez-faire kind of guy, or maybe hearing about your third boyfriend will cause him to have a performance crisis.  I am pretty sure, if your instinct is not to share, you should not share.  Don’t for a minute think, no matter how long you have known this person, that you “know” him.  I think this applies to any every day relationship.  The person you think you know may be a long way from what that person is.  And the face they present to you is what they want you to see.  As the facets of the personality are revealed, deliberately or not, you again have to make judgments about what you can tolerate or what is a game ender for you.
Let me start off by sharing a few bon mots from some of the supposedly confidential sources.
A woman wrote in that she was longing to experiment with  the more extreme version of the three-way.  Many, many forums discuss the three-way, so this part should not be news to you.  You can read about them and glean whatever you need or want to know about them in many places..  For example, I kid you not, it has been scientifically shown that observing the sexual play between two men and a woman causes more motility in sperm than the observation of the play of two women and one man.  Take that how ever you wish.  Anyway, in this particular scenario, the woman desired to experience double penetration and was asking for advice as to how she could broach this subject with the husband, and how to select the third party without endangering the dynamic of the family she was currently a part of.  The general consensus was that, if the husband went for it, preceded by the bigger if she was able to broach the subject, the third party should be a stranger that you could trust.  A pretty unbelievable and probably unavailable expediency.
My informed guess is that, in most cases, the wife would keep this desire to herself and would fear to bring up the subject at all.  And, I further conjecture without any back up info, that the guy is at work complaining how he never gets laid anymore.
In another forum, rich with personal secrets and information, Cafe Mom, initials are used to designate in a kind of shorthand who you are referring to.  DH is dear husband, DD is dear daughter, and so on.  After reading sporadically over a year or two, I was confounded  by the reference EA.  Then, by context, I determined that it stood for Extramarital Affair.  In itself, I think, and kinda hope, you would take pause at how often this reference is made.  But, more and more lately I am hearing, “That goes on all the time.  People just don’t talk about it.”  Someone told me the story of the upheaval in their family and ended the story with, “That probably goes on all the time.  It is just that no one talks about it.”  When relating the tale to another party (those stories are always very interesting),  the person to whom I  spoke said, “That probably goes on all the time.  It is just. . . etc.”
But in off-handed remarks, I have learned that there are many reasons for this occurrence — an occurrence that is publicly considered a deal-breaker, and religiously and culturally a no-no.  And one thing I know for sure, it is not related to the quality or quantity of sexual attention at home.  I have heard for years that most men have extramarital affairs most often for emotional reasons.  Yeah. (coff-coff). Here is the skinny from the grape vine.  If you have had three kids and have gone through a rigorous self improvement program and have achieved amazing results, the person from whom you will hear, “You look amazing.  I cannot believe what good shape you are in,” will be the EA. The closest I have ever heard of this type of compliment from a husband was a  bit left-handed.  A young mother who took exceptional care of her post-child birth body was asked by her husband to wear those new tight yoga pants to a work related social gathering.

And, tell me, ladies. Would it mean ANYTHING at all if you had to say to your husband, “Didn’t I do a good job of getting my figure back?” and he said, “Yeah.”

You Probably Won't Tell Him Chapter Two

Who are you married to?
You are married to a person  that wanted to marry you at the same time you wanted to marry him. Or maybe you felt like getting married and he was all warmed up on the bench and eager to get into the game.  Or maybe this guy had decided it was time to get married and you were the closest thing available and you met his acknowledged or unconscious criteria. Or, perhaps ideally, you met each other and some electrical or chemical force developed between the two of you and you could not stand to breathe unless this person was in your immediate proximity.
In some situations, surely not the majority of them, the suitor hunted down the suitee and compelled that person to succumb by sneaky, devious, seductive or perhaps extraordinarily forceful means to enter the marital union.  Who knows?  You yourself probably ask yourself every now and then how you got into this (mess) or why the heck did you ever think you could tolerate this person for 24 more minutes much less the rest of  your life. Most marriages have a really personal rationale as the foundation.  There are so many scenarios that the Romance writers should never run out of ideas.  And, it absolutely slays me when someone comments on a fiction story and says that would never play out in real life.  Oh, yeah?  You’re sure of that?  I bet I can even one up it on a dare.
Perhaps the husband or partner is immensely flattered that he/she was chosen by you.  Perhaps that partner looks around every single day and says “I could have/should have done better.  I shouldn’t have been so hasty.  What the fuck am I doing here and how the fuck did I get here?” Or perhaps it is you thinking that.
Perhaps you chose your partner because the guy you just broke up with wanted to marry you and you really really liked him but he had a really small penis. or he wasn’t very tall, or his voice was squeaky, or his dad seemed like a pervert. or his child support payments were astronomical.  Perhaps you married a guy that you have known for a long time, maybe even like ten years, and you have gone through the second string and found most of them wanting, so you went with the starter.  You brought him back into the game.  You are never going to tell the guy these reasons.  If he/she is in a mushy sort of mood and says he is so glad he married you and, really, what was it about him that made up your mind?  You are going to quick think up some cliche romantic scenario that has  nothing what so ever to do with or even reflects on your actual criteria.
Truth is he doesn’t really want to know and, in fact, you are way better off never knowing what his actual criteria are.  Nor do you want to know the moment of weakness that convinced him he might as well be married cuz all his pals are and people are starting to look at him funny.  Let’s just go with the feeling in the pit of your stomach when he walks in the room, the idea that he is the only person in the whole world, and you did check, that you could imagine spending your life with.
When a young lady is reading a bridal magazine, does she ever pause and get a far away look in her eyes and imagine to herself what it will be like lying next to this guy that just had the He-Man Platter at Grande Jakes for dinner and is laying there peacefully farting away in his dreams while you wonder if the sheets are going to be stained by it.  No.  I know that for a fact.  No.  She never thinks that.  Here is a great idea.  In the dead center of the bride magazine, after the articles about selecting the perfect venue, the perfect menu, the perfect, mind-blowing dress, and before all the expensive photos of the beautiful, if somewhat chubby, bride and her handsome, but somewhat balding, husband, they should put an article that you or I brilliantly penned, complete with outrageous photos and cartoons, dealing with that exact subject.
That’s never gonna happen.
Photo Attribution:    www.123rf.com

Mind-Boggling Enlightenment

Search anywhere for inspiration if you have time.  I have a lot of time lately.  My spouse is in a rehab hospital, and I get amazing things done in short order without him here to criticize me, or without me delaying a project for fear he will criticize.  So I have many more hours in the day when I feel guilt free and can spend some of my time on leisure or self-gratifying pursuits.  Plus, I haven’t written or blogged in at least a month or so, so that also contributed to the  plethora of extra minutes in my endless days.
I was perusing Cracked.  (Cracked.com is a very valuable resource and the home of my highly touted and publicized Smurf remark, so I promote them constantly and visit them regularly.)  I honestly cannot even imagine what the subject of the actual article was, but it linked to a whole bunch of articles on whether or not a male could be monogamous.
There are two clearly defined schools of thought.  Scientists say we are biologically programmed to be monogamous (marker proteins on the surface of the ovum, etc.) in order to preserve the integrity of the gene pool.  I love to hear about this stuff, but considering the fact that the epigenetic train is roaring through civilization like a run away, I myself would not argue that that particular theory may need to be trashed.  I have a relative who works in the genetics lab at Duke.  Too bad I am not on speaking terms with him.
Anyway the other school of thought is that a male cannot be monogamous.  He is genetically programmed to spread his seed in order that the fittest of the fit may rise to the top and rule the world.  Actually, someone needs to back down on that concept a little cuz the world is going to hell in a hand basket, and the fittest of the fit, the cream of the crop, is playing video games or getting advice on how to proceed in life from bozos.  I will not go off on a political tangent here.  I promise.
So in one of the comments to one of the articles I was so busily consuming, a male, in retort to someone who would not even consider fidelity or monogamy, stated clearly that you should marry someone because you love them,and not for their vagina.
I was thunderstruck.  I am really old. I have been married really long.  Such a theorem never entered my mind.  If you read my fiction, you know my philosophy is strongly canted away from that idea.  I never considered it.  If I had waited until I met someone I was sure I was in love with (at the age of 19) I would not be married, even today.  I have always thought that love kind of grew.  Like I think I love my irritating husband.  But the way I feel was not present when I was nineteen.  I was in such a place that thinking didn’t really have much to do with it.  I feel that the guy that wrote that comment is a rare bird.  Maybe I am wrong. Maybe I am so inordinately shallow, as my fiction reviewers attest, that my personal value system is beyond the ken of most of the rest of humanity.  Lust ruled.  It blinded me.  It does that.  I guess it would be swell to be one of those people who thinks about living with someone for the rest of their life in that way.  But it ain’t me.  It ain’t me your looking for, babe.  Wasn’t then.  Isn’t now.
I wonder if that is a product of my upbringing or what other factors may have made me that kind of person.   I am surprised I have not been shot down in the streets or back alleys long ago.  Really I am.
Photo attribution:  www.ievolve.org

Holding On

Every marriage has its ups and downs. This cannot be news  to anyone, married, single, or otherwise. In fact, I doubt that anyone gets to the altar (so to speak) without first experiencing what is at the time considered to be life altering trauma. This is probably the major advantage the royal marriages of the past held over modern customs. Often they never even saw the spouse-to-be until hours or days after the party arrived from a far away land, and in some circumstances walked down the aisle with a person that gave them shivers of disgust. Yet this is how they were raised, how their customs evolved through necessity and perhaps convenience. And, in most cases, the obligation of begetting offspring was carried out in good order. We hear, usually in Historical Romance, but sometimes from supposed genuine historical chronicles, that there were marriages of great love and passion. But one of my favorite fiction authors who specializes in enjoyable retellings of the sundry machinations of various ancient monarchies, recently published a book about a not too well known real queen who was terribly in love with her prearranged partner. In fact, it was widely reported that he, in turn, adored her which led her to a lifetime (well in this case the marriage lasted about six years) of wondering about and being hurt by the fact that he refused to give up his string of mistresses. I am not choosing to read this one.  Cluelessness can only take a person so far.
For myself, I am of the opinion that today romantic ideals about marriage are not dead but in fact are held in such esteem that people go into marriage expecting doves to fly out of the bathroom every morning to herald another day of blissful union. This could be, I assert, the very reason that so many marriages do not last. Pure disillusionment. And perhaps more than that, disappointment.
Every couple has to hold on through the rough patches and, if and when they do so, they do it not knowing if it is going to be worth their while. There is, of course,  all this stuff about the integrity and commitment that put the real value on the married state. Too bad nobody bothers to talk about how much fun it is. Sometimes.
So hold on to what you’ve got and try to keep that song from running through your head now. You probably shouldn’t probe too deeply into why you are holding on. That will become apparent when you realize you have lost your grip and cannot hold on any longer. But I am pretty sure the best thing to hold onto is the cluelessness. If you are considering ending a disappointing marriage, realize that any other version of marriage that you may look forward to or seek or fall into is going to have just as many rough spots. They come in all sizes and shapes.

The Never Ending War

A female who was formerly earning her living as what she labeled a high class escort has written a book about why men cheat.  The discussion about this book has been raging on Huff Post Books for several days.  People point out that she only knows about guys who use “escorts” for cheating.  This is probably a very  small percent of the entire group of “cheating men” who mess around with their  neighbor or the mail lady or some chick at work.  Then, she is only reporting what these men tell her.  First of all, they are “speaking” in a somewhat enhanced milieu under the influence of large doses of oxytocin and serotonin, and they may be embellishing their tales to gain sympathy or absolve themselves in the eyes of their benefactor. And, please do not tell me I know nothing about it.  I once knew some one intimately that received a visit from a call girl as a birthday present.  I can match any of your stories in spades.  Try me.
This slays me.  That it is given any legitimacy   I am becoming so callous about the whole male-female interaction thing.  SHUT UP.  You have no clue.  Then the arguments rage on.  The male is programmed to mate with multiples.  I have documented references in my book that PROVE there are proteins on the surface of the egg that interact with sperm to encourage monogamy.  Then there is all the genetic, epigenetic, cultural  and anthropological evidence about Neanderthals with too big heads and other things mother nature does to preserve  and improve the gene pool.
Then there are hundreds of remarks about why a husband can do it, should do it, would do it, must do it, (be unfaithful) shouldn’t do it.  This is interspersed with the remarks from the females about how their husband turned into a schlub and how she kept herself slim and fucked his brains out but he still cheated, and “throw the bum out’ and philosophy and religion, and law concerning the matter.  It all amounts to a hill of beans.  If any rules are left, they usually are broken.  Okay.  Maybe not inYOUR case, but in just about every other one.  And you can’t say for sure, even about your own case, because you don’t KNOW. For the sake of all that is good and holy, do you not know that there are women out there, right now, that find unfresh female skivvies under the seat in the car and believe the “reasons” they are given for why they are there?
Yes. I AM the ultimate cynic.  I have the credentials.  I also know what havoc MY very immediate family has wreaked on the gene pool.  I write fiction to deal with my confusion and disappointment in matters of love.  Then people criticize my adorable fictional creations for their lack of moral scruples.  It is to laugh.  You have NO IDEA.  If I hear one more person say, “Well, that happens all the time.  People just don’t talk about it,” I may scream or commit mayhem.
The news of the last few days is so fucked up.  Officials we are supposed to be able to trust with the well being of our selves and our children stand in front of the camera wearing their brand new ties and lie to the entire world.  What?  Do they say a prayer at night asking God to forgive them for telling those very necessary lies and go to sleep believing the gates of heaven are open to them?  These are very serious things to lie about involving the welfare of our Nation.  Doesn’t anybody out there give a shit anymore?  Why anybody can or would  focus on that “squirt in the dark” at this point is beyond me.  But when the few remaining humans rise from the ashes, the first thing they argue about is not going to be some stupid apple.  It’s gonna be, “I saw her first.” And she is going to toss her unwashed hair over her shoulder and flutter her eyelashes.
Photo Attribution:  atomicgator.wordpress.com

Tuesday, November 05, 2013

Everything Makes Me Cry

Just now I feel like I must be doing something right.  At least about one thing.  I think it would be better if I KNEW I was doing something right, but I take a lot of convincing.  But this is good enough to actually outweigh my worries for the moment.

It doesn't matter it seems.  I think I cry more tears over the good stuff.