You Probably Won't Tell Him Chapter Two

Who are you married to?

You are married to a person  that wanted to marry you at the same time you wanted to marry him. Or maybe you felt like getting married and he was all warmed up on the bench and eager to get into the game.  Or maybe this guy had decided it was time to get married and you were the closest thing available and you met his acknowledged or unconscious criteria. Or, perhaps ideally, you met each other and some electrical or chemical force developed between the two of you and you could not stand to breathe unless this person was in your immediate proximity.

In some situations, surely not the majority of them, the suitor hunted down the suitee and compelled that person to succumb by sneaky, devious, seductive or perhaps extraordinarily forceful means to enter the marital union.  Who knows?  You yourself probably ask yourself every now and then how you got into this (mess) or why the heck did you ever think you could tolerate this person for 24 more minutes much less the rest of  your life. Most marriages have a really personal rationale as the foundation.  There are so many scenarios that the Romance writers should never run out of ideas.  And, it absolutely slays me when someone comments on a fiction story and says that would never play out in real life.  Oh, yeah?  You’re sure of that?  I bet I can even one up it on a dare.

Perhaps the husband or partner is immensely flattered that he/she was chosen by you.  Perhaps that partner looks around every single day and says “I could have/should have done better.  I shouldn’t have been so hasty.  What the fuck am I doing here and how the fuck did I get here?” Or perhaps it is you thinking that.

Perhaps you chose your partner because the guy you just broke up with wanted to marry you and you really really liked him but he had a really small penis. or he wasn’t very tall, or his voice was squeaky, or his dad seemed like a pervert. or his child support payments were astronomical.  Perhaps you married a guy that you have known for a long time, maybe even like ten years, and you have gone through the second string and found most of them wanting, so you went with the starter.  You brought him back into the game.  You are never going to tell the guy these reasons.  If he/she is in a mushy sort of mood and says he is so glad he married you and, really, what was it about him that made up your mind?  You are going to quick think up some cliche romantic scenario that has  nothing what so ever to do with or even reflects on your actual criteria.

Truth is he doesn’t really want to know and, in fact, you are way better off never knowing what his actual criteria are.  Nor do you want to know the moment of weakness that convinced him he might as well be married cuz all his pals are and people are starting to look at him funny.  Let’s just go with the feeling in the pit of your stomach when he walks in the room, the idea that he is the only person in the whole world, and you did check, that you could imagine spending your life with.

When a young lady is reading a bridal magazine, does she ever pause and get a far away look in her eyes and imagine to herself what it will be like lying next to this guy that just had the He-Man Platter at Grande Jakes for dinner and is laying there peacefully farting away in his dreams while you wonder if the sheets are going to be stained by it.  No.  I know that for a fact.  No.  She never thinks that.  Here is a great idea.  In the dead center of the bride magazine, after the articles about selecting the perfect venue, the perfect menu, the perfect, mind-blowing dress, and before all the expensive photos of the beautiful, if somewhat chubby, bride and her handsome, but somewhat balding, husband, they should put an article that you or I brilliantly penned, complete with outrageous photos and cartoons, dealing with that exact subject.

That’s never gonna happen.

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