Conspiracy Theory

Mel Gibson was right in that movie where he was trying to convince Julia Roberts.  I must watch it again as I do not recall what he felt he discovered and why no one would believe him.  I actually do not recall the name of the movie.  And then there was that phrase, "Just because you are paranoid does not mean you are not being followed."

I am paranoid.  Someone said it about me and I took humbrage.  But I am.  I read some little phrase here or  there and I will think, "Stolen".  Like no one else read that same article or had that same  thought.  And then I think, "It is a plot.  They are conspiring with each other to do it."  Seriously.  Like why would they bother?  I am unimportant.  Perhaps believing these things or suspecting these things validates my importance or my mistaken sense of importance to myself.

And I am doing that thing, analyzing and second guessing when I have that book laying there that I am really enjoying reading, so why don't I?  And those bottles and bottles of helpful little pills.  And people make me so nervous.  Five in the room and I cannot stand the smells or the noise or the movement.  And  I just sit there, trying to cope with my feelings and my distress and I want to scream or sob or disappear, and  a few years ago I would have screamed or wept or run out of the room, but now I try to cope.  And I know I am not coping. I am pretending.  My words are fake.  My voice is false.  Copy me.  I laugh at you.

Why do some days I feel capable and interested and engaged and other days I see everything in horrid shades of green and I am scared and I know, I just know, it will never  be all right. (?)