I feel wrung out. This has been too crowded a week and it's only Wednesday. I am pretty good at coping, but this week I wanted to throw in that towel so many times and just say, "Fuck it." And lots of the stuff I had to deal with turned out really well. Well, there was that one customer service wait with the staticky Muzak. But I think the thing that is missing is the bouts of laughter that bring tears to my eyes. Apparently the tears have to go out anyway, (damn that Amygdala) so they were brought on by trips through the bank drive up instead of the strange and funny things that usually happen that we make stranger and funnier.
My daughter has a friend staying with her, and I guess that is making me a little lonely. But it would sure be nice if there was someone else in my life that I could converse with until we were laughing so hard we couldn't breathe. But the subject of friendship has been permanently shelved as far as I am concerned. And the books I am reading are kind of formulaic, predictable, and dark. My choices. Not good ones. Then last night I am proofing and editing the "Big Deal" and the sad parts were making cry, again, and the technical mistakes I was finding were way too common. I couldn't believe it after all this time. And then one of those stupid dotted lines showed up. That just about drove me off the edge. At least nothing turned red. The sooner I launch that boat, the better. If it sinks, oh well, I tried. And tried. And tried.
I know all these feelings are aspects of my personality that I have had to deal with all my life, and part of it is my choices and part of it, as an actual physician said to me very recently, is my "neuro-biology". I wonder if it could be the weather that is making it all so much harder to deal with. I am so used to being the way I am that I actually like me and prefer being this way. I think the "devil may care" attitude toward life has to be an elaborate costume drama for anyone trying to live it. No. I KNOW that. It just gets to me every now and then and I can be in the line in WalMart and feeling a little creeped out cuz everyone looks ugly and scary and I can be in the line in WalMart and chatting with strangers and smiling at babies that smiled at me first. And I know it is me. Not the people in the line at WalMart. For God's sake. For one who feels and enjoys being as insular as I am, man, I sure let the outside world get to me way too much.
I am incapable of any sarcastic rejoinders, my stock in trade, my stress release mechanism of choice. Oh, well. It will come back to me. It always does. Right?