Thursday, December 29, 2011

Half a Beat

No matter what can be said about politics or the economy, I have to say 2011 was a year of learning for me.  I know we are always learning, but never have I been so aware of learning such major life changing truths, life-changing at least for me.  The most important thing to me, that has affected my life more than anything, is that you can never know another person.  Your perception of that person is what you think is knowledge of that person, but it has nothing to do with who that person is. And that is fine if you are comfortable with your perception and comfortable with your own take on who that person is. I think the reason it was such a big deal for me is that it involved a long term relationship I had that went by the wayside. I felt not that I didn't know who that person really was, but that she had no clue what so ever of where I was coming from or why I thought the things I thought or said. Forty years of fakery as far as I am concerned. Then, when I was pretty much through rebounding from that, the knowledge helped me get through a huge emotional upset in my immediate family.  So now, I will just take it all with a grain of salt and not let it affect the way I live my life.  Partly, that is easier because of the point I am at in my life.  I would be on the shrink couch every day had this happened when I was 22.

Then, we went to take holiday pics of the new baby and her brother and I sat there the whole time thinking, what does that guy do for a living, why would she marry him much less breed with him, he looks like he has a bad smell, that baby is funny looking, they should wait and take his picture when or if he gets cuter, why didn't the mom fix that girl's hair first, gee, that kid's voice is loud and high pitched, why would you put that same hideous sweater on all of your kids for a life long memory of a holiday, my grandson is so f-ing handsome, mom better hurry up and give him the facts of life talk cuz  they are gonna be all over him in a year or two, my granddaughter is so cute, even when she glowers, oh, my god they must hate my daughter, she is so pretty and her kids are the only cute ones here, and Cassie looks so cute in those jeans.  Is this perception or reality?  I no longer know.  Or perhaps I don't trust my judgment anymore having made such huge mistakes about people throughout my life.  I am doing some work on my third book and I wanted to get these two people together and I was having a heck of a time figuring it out.  But now I figured it out.  If you love someone, you just love them.  Even if it's your deluded  perception. That's why God invented that special kind of pain that goes with love.

I like the show Bones.  More than I like the books.  I suspend belief.  The relationship between Booth and Bones is so cute.  No, it is totally bizarre and unrealistic actually, but I love them. I am so glad they are together. And right the head of the lab would wear THAT dress to work in a path lab.  But it is one of my favorite shows.  I rent the dvds at the library. I play catch up on On-Demand.  I tried to watch a new show with a similar theme.  Forensic medicine is  huge lately. I don't recall the name but Dana Delaney is in it and I heard it was good.  Every single meaningful glance, "How will she respond to this?"  "How should I respond to that?" went on a beat too long. The characters could have been computer generated.  I hated it. And, who knows, maybe it is great.  Maybe it is my perception.  There was this actress.  She was the Charlie girl, and then they tried to make her an actress, (I won't say her name).  They even gave her her own series. One of those algorithms telling them where the money comes from I guess.  Every word out of her mouth was a half a beat off.  It drove me up the wall. I saw her in a little bit part on some police procedural drama, and she  had improved.  Or my perception had changed.

I got a great review that was just the kind of language I understand. "Crazy good read." Which is exactly what I write, y'know?  And then I am nosing around today and someone on Apple gave me  one star cuz it jumped all over the place.  Umm, no.  It is totally  linear,time-wise, age-wise, story wise.  And who cares,their loss,  they missed the nursing scene and that great blizzard and some other good stuff.  But I clicked to see what else they had reviewed and they had given five stars to the app for ordering pizza from Pizza Hut.  So it is always nice to have your pride and conceit taken down a peg or two and realize the company you are in, who you are sharing that bookshelf with.  At least I have to be glad it wasn't a three star pizza ordering app.

I think the only way you are going to get read is if your work gets to the people that perceive life in a way similar to yours. So far they are few and far between, but, God, how I love them. Cuz they get "me".  My ex-friend didn't. My husband doesn't. But someone did.  So now I don't have to die with my song still in me. Someone heard this little bird.


  1. I really like your posts. There's something very stream-of-consciousness about them, but not in the way we usually think of it. It's more like the structure, the rhythm, the way it kind of goes on for a while without a pause, then turns to the left or right, then collects in one spot for a moment, eddying, before moving back into the larger stream of what you're saying, until the end. I was wondering about the details of how your ex-friend completely mis-perceived you, but that's just me, being nosy.

    I also like how you said that if these things had happened when you were 22, you would have been in long-term therapy as a result. I've often felt that the mind is like wet cement. When we're younger, the impressions are stronger and more lasting, becoming more "set" as we grow older. Some of us get so ossified in later years, we need a jackhammer for anything to get through to us.

    And you are 100% right about love. Happy new year.

  2. Here's my addendum: I feel like my perceptions about people (is that the same as "Judge of Character"?) are usually pretty dead-on. However, more than once in my life, I have heard perceptions of myself and thought, "How the Hell did they figure that from what I said/did/wore/had a look on my face?" So here I am knowing exactly what everyone else is up to, but nobody ever knows what I am up to. Is that good or bad? And then there are husbands and children and family who think you "are" a certain way because of something you did or said once. And then there's the guy who always knows what you are thinking before you are. And I think it doesn't matter really what their perception of you is as long as they love you and are willing to accept it.

  3. Cute your blog name and your side panels.

    First-time visitor.




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