Thursday, August 04, 2011


I  did something today that I thought was extremely brave.  I let my daughter read my book.  She read part of it and we were in a hurry and had to leave.  In the car I tried to tell her what was going to happen next in the book and she said not to tell her cuz she wanted to read it to find out.  I actually do not think she was trying to spare my feelings with her other remarks.  She asked a lot of questions and I really have the feeling now that it is what it is, what it's supposed to be, what I want it to be.  And the words printed on  the paper, figuratively, are not the same as the words that come out of my  mouth.  Strange strange feeling, but exactly what I want, I think.  I think.   I think. 

But, more than  that, I am patting myself on the back for my bravery.  Really, it is easier to put the work in front of a stranger than in front of someone who knows you so well.  But it wasn't really brave at all.  It was absolutely an impulse that I acted on with great immediacy.  And that is like the story of my life.  There is so much stuff in my life that makes me unhappy, and I know I am contributing to the unhappiness of some other people, but I totally feel that part is their problem and there is so much stuff in my life that I like.  I have to think about what I want for a change.  After all, so many years of trying to get along with others and not rocking "the boat" has served for nothing.  Granted, I have beautiful surroundings, and not much to complain about, but it could have been so much better for so many people in so many ways, and my way of trying to fix everything and make sure no one got hurt served for nothing.  Nothing.  Everything I feel, right at this moment, is ONLY because of ME.

As I am sure is true of most others, I wish I had not waited so long to do this.  But, then I am able to say that it just happened.  It wasn't planned and I don't know where it came from, and I tend to think it was the meds cuz now it seems like it is gone, but I am already rethinking that part of it, and, for so many reasons, I have to say, that is just the way it is. And I think I am glad.  Anyway, I feel glad right now.  But my biggest flaw is always second guessing myself. 

Change the freaking chapter numbers, Ditty.

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